self-loathing and star wars

new bardus logo.

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:47:00 -0400

new bardus logo.

one year ago, this is what i was doing with myself. the...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 17:35:16 -0400

one year ago, this is what i was doing with myself. the music’s not that great but regardless hearing colors definitely helped give me some direction, and resuscitated something that lay dormant for far too long. and no offense to anyone involved, but i’m glad it’s over.

thoughts are like seeds that grow in your mind until they become so enormous that they intersect...

Fri, 15 Feb 2013 18:58:25 -0500

thoughts are like seeds that grow in your mind until they become so enormous that they intersect with the universe on a three dimensional plane from the depth of your heart to the subconscious that permeates every space from within the endless expanse of your mind. when i was first exposed to the world, cold, bloody, terrified, physically severed from all that had sustained me, a seed was planted in between tectonic plates shifting over the surface of a new world formulating itself, exploding out in every direction that cannot be quantified through length, width, and height, nor adequately measured with time. entire epochs have passed. and this lonely place, maybe compressed within a single human skull, but quite possibly just speaking through the mandibles attached to it, has seen much. when i was a teenager we walked side by side across a vacant baseball field and you told me “it’s a nice day.” every yellow flower, every rose in every garden, every violet, every shade of green, every last breath of fresh air was scorched by atomic fire, and ash was the snow that blanketed the ground. twisted metal and rubble reached for the sun resting on a horizon that set the sky awash in a pale orange shade. upon witnessing these mammoth figures in the distance the concept of beauty you articulated was given definition and burned brilliantly, shimmering off of a crooked grin on my lips, departing angelically from the surface of my brain into the divide. i imagine beauty entered that realm much the way you left the one where you held me for the first time. and it has me wondering if the something i desperately roam in search of, that last shred of you, that seed you planted from the very beginning incinerated in the onslaught of armageddon or has simply seen the sun as a sapling for the very first time

i need more coffee and i'll finish this...

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 21:29:03 -0500

and this is what all the pain i’ve felt this week has...

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 22:55:55 -0500

and this is what all the pain i’ve felt this week has become.

two ex lovers said goodbye to each other for the last time tonight. as the son of both, i heard a...

Sat, 09 Feb 2013 02:18:00 -0500

two ex lovers said goodbye to each other for the last time tonight. as the son of both, i heard a testimony of one on a plateau that rested somewhere in between the shallow mountaintops of sobs, and gentle weeping. “when your father told me he was having a bad day i would take the train down to his office in center city with a rose, and when i showed up with your brother one day, said it was one of the best things that uh, that uh, happened to him, in his, uh his whole life.” as she gentled peeled his blankets from the edge of the bed frame to reveal a crimson red rose at his side. i got off my chair, annoyed at what i thought of as an embellishment of a lie. not out of malice but a gesture made with veiled intentions, ulterior motives, to sneak something by sensitive and prying eyes. i felt relief suddenly, as if i was swatting at a mosquito buzzing around my neck, and after swatting at it i found it crushed, innards splattered across my hand over a twisted and barely recognizable exoskeleton. legs twitching from misfiring nerve endings. not a perfect, but a good metaphor for how i wanted everything this woman believed in, every thing she ever loved in anyone or anything stomped on and left in shards at her feet. but the fact that nobody would be able to recognize, and nobody gave a fuck about anything this woman was actually doing in her own damaged mind was good enough for me at that moment in time. it almost reminded me of the pulverized mosquito drifting through my wandering trains of thought following tracks laid in circles somewhere along the back burner of my brain. i looked outside the window in the hospital room we were in. she said with a nagging hand laid on my shoulder, “i always loved the city in the snow.” there was a tangled dilapidated ruin of rusted metal before me, ventilation ducts interwoven through rooftops, arteries of a golden heart in this metropolis pumping out poverty, and all the riches that came with it in all directions around me. in another hour her son, my brother, and her daughter, my sister arrived. in another eight hours i was on my way home. it was nine hours since he would never bear witness to the deliverance of the rose, my brother, and expressions of love, pride and goodbyes. within nine hours of tear drops gently soaked up in a hospital gown enveloping a body’s slow and agonizing demise, it snowed in the city that night. i soldered the wires back together to breath life into my dying distortion pedal and thought about the layers to how i found music that was constantly unexpectedly changing with a certain forceful push into the unknown was always so appealing. i found clairvoyance teetering on the edge of delusion as a result of optimism. i felt optimism as both cause and affect as the parallels formulated themselves in my mind.

the sun gave rise, gave the energy to fuel all of this life, the experiences of which have become...

Mon, 04 Feb 2013 22:10:00 -0500

the sun gave rise, gave the energy to fuel all of this life, the experiences of which have become the very reason which i have come to rise, drink a cup of coffee, spot clean my room, put on a record and pick up my bass every morning after i wake. with the same outstretched hand it bears down upon me, crushing body, and mind under the immense density, and unyielding pressure of every step forward into the unknown. crushing all that there was, pulverizing it, revitalizing. memories, love, pain, all there will ever be in every crooked grin, every bout of sorrow every tear drop that ever fell intersecting with this point in three dimensions. primary colors rippling out, fading, melting away like tin soldiers dashing full of fear, but never yielding in the face of the crucible before them. somewhere between my reflection in the metallic puddles on the ground, and a place where i hope you come to pass like the silence resting atop moonlight reflecting on dark and shimmering waters, soothing like tides lapping up on quiet and ancient shores… somewhere in between the moon and the water lies an undying and timeless love in the cold of night, somewhere in between lies a promise that through this transistor you will sing loud, harmonize with the best intentions coded in the transmission which activated it. hidden deep in the oscillations from which it was born. i wish you could have seen it when mom said that she was “…surprised [you] lived past 50.” and i sure as hell shut her up when, in between swigs of tequila, i told her “yeah, he sure showed your ass.” ira rosenberg. i love you.

the ride home was pockmarked with bullet holes and scorch marks gracing the colorlessness beneath...

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 22:44:36 -0500

the ride home was pockmarked with bullet holes and scorch marks gracing the colorlessness beneath tapestries, decorated iron curtains. beautiful repeating patterns appearing in rust, every inch of its design is a blood stain from where white hot rivets were set in place with the palms of tireless hands. a railroad spike is being driven through my skull over the course of a lifetime. the spirit behind the wheel of my body just called in sick. the weight of old songs sing like shell casings hitting the floor. they rip through entry wounds, ricochet across my bones and there are gunshots in my head.

rough draft mk II

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 12:10:00 -0500

philadelphia is changing me, if not adding more to what little there is to me; a mere transistor amplifying the ebb and flow of translucent tides to neurons firing electric impulses inside of my brain. eyes that focus on myself come to rest on a blank canvas called truth, a place only to be seen when the pulses fire on beat but the melody comes in off time. when all the colors from frantic signals bleed through and slowly come full circle, they slowly fade to a peace found while blind and drowning in white.

autumn bore down on me through the oblong window panes that i swallowed, took in like medication to maintain each set of shadows encapsulating every pair of eyes made blind to the layers of orange and yellow blending into a thick grey haze. At the center of this sea of buildings toppling in on themselves lies a metropolis to last the ages. the ground on which it stands is like a wannabe hooker with a fake tan. crumbling from the inside out. in a few decades she and all her glory will be found without a pulse in a gutter. from somewhere within her an entire labyrinth of steel, brick, and stone formulates itself around me, wraps me in cold. i find myself in some sort of hole, a smokestack grown dormant and old. all around me i search for a ladder that isn’t rusted out, a rope that hasn’t caught fire like the leaves forming tornadoes in the wind. spiraling out in fractal swirls, patterns matched within footsteps through the entire courses of lives. i see alpha and omega side by side, atop white chariots, they’ve come to take me away.

raindrops fall heavy, slips through cracks, and cools a once molten and churning core. the two lovers to my front, the figures on the stage, the addict slamming dope, all that’s left of a world whose mind keeps spinning out of control even as it’s lost its impetus, the fragmentation of its soul. they all look like stars. each one of their faces in ignition, burning bright, reigning radiant death from above an earth with no magnetic field. barren. fucked up. desolate. it happened before i saw it coming and it was over before i felt it. a ball of energy emanating from within. i was supposed to burn out before it would fade away. the second sun’s birth on the horizon would outshine entire cities at night. she stood before me wrapped in silent and forbidden veils. leaving me washed out amongst beautiful transparencies. skinny love first discovered before two glowing faces. eyes discovering pupils blossoming within the latticework interwoven through irises. i yearned to burn out before you would fade away.

Photo

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 23:53:55 -0400

Go listen to the new godspeed you black emperor record right now.

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 23:52:26 -0400

Go listen to the new godspeed you black emperor record right now.

Photo

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 23:03:10 -0400

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism this might be me.

Sat, 04 Aug 2012 22:59:39 -0400

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism

this might be me.

there’s a feeling like there’s a weight in my skull that’s dragging on my eyes,...

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 19:43:01 -0400

there’s a feeling like there’s a weight in my skull that’s dragging on my eyes, and pushing them from my sockets, and i’m so so so so so so sos so soso sick of your condescending everything.

i saw your eyes looking in a gold framed mirror on top of a throne so majestic it could squeeze...

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 17:02:35 -0400

i saw your eyes looking in a gold framed mirror on top of a throne so majestic it could squeeze blood from stones. hauled from point a to point b, boulders crushing bones with such love and such compassion, that from crimson stains your monument slowly grows. in the embers that drain the fruits of a heart’s constant and daily labor amidst grime. soot. chariots of chaos are forged where fire flows. the swords cast in the shadow of order will behead their masters before the morningstar. bodies taken where light never shows. if a sun rises for a king, or for god then on distant shores in heaven the sky will no longer glow.

it was about four years ago when i heard reckoner by radiohead for the first time, and downloaded in...

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 09:58:10 -0400

it was about four years ago when i heard reckoner by radiohead for the first time, and downloaded in rainbows short after. and that album totally changed how i looked at everything and it was sort like this outside force acting upon me, slowly changing me in ways i didn’t understand and couldn’t comprehend but i embraced it. i don’t know how transparent it is, but i over think things constantly. and my thoughts paint this picture of reality where things are constantly spinning in ebbs and tides, endless cycles, problems so massive and complex that they sublimate my mind to a cloud of lead, a nebula of a star that once burned bright. the dense particles run, dance, and fly freely because of the crushing weight of the world bearing down on them, tearing them apart, and when they get captured, when they are found for who and what they are, thrown together into cattle cars, all of my perceptions, my delusions, my insanities, my truths, fall like bullets solid enough to shatter a metal heart that still keeps beating. sooner or later there will be a direct hit, ground zero for a transistor blown out and an entire universe will follow in its wake. no more judgments. no more bullets deflected outward. no more hate. blood now flows from unprotected flesh and skin. the bittersweet embrace of letting go overtakes me. short lived, honest, hard working, a job done the best it can with scarred and tired hands, help given where it can.

4th of july

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 23:38:01 -0400

i spent so much time spending my life writing off everything on a political basis or an ethical one. the burbs, cars, meat, corporations, jobs, taxes, etc. but i never had anyway of beating it. life struck me as inherently meaningless, only meaningful through subjectivity which scientifically gives it no concrete anything. but tonight i found something so heartwarming, so powerful, that it alone for all the glory of being an inconsequential pulse through the millions of transistors that make up this city is something that has become the answer. it’s the bullet in the head of every bald fuck keeping even more people marginalized and getting fat behind the bushes in suburbia like pigs to be raised as a commodity to be bought and sold. it’s the blood stains that make smiles between black ties and collars, the fires that set their rotten flesh free from their beautiful, and buried bones.

i’m getting back into comic books again with grant morrison’s the invisibles. next on...

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 20:26:17 -0400

i’m getting back into comic books again with grant morrison’s the invisibles. next on the list is scalped. send me any reccomendations.

bardozone: The Selk’nam, also known as the Onawo or Ona people...

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 23:36:54 -0400

bardozone:

The Selk’nam, also known as the Onawo or Ona people are an indigenous people in the Patagonian region of southern Chile and Argentina, including the Tierra del Fuego islands. They were one of the last aboriginal groups in South America to be reached by Westerners in the late 19th century, when the Chilean and Argentine governments began efforts to explore and integrate Tierra del Fuego (literally, the “land of fire” based on early European explorers observing Selk’nam smoke from their bonfires). (Via)

I’m assuming these are participants of Hain, an initiation ceremony. Some of the people dress up like “spirits.”

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Fri, 22 Jun 2012 21:01:59 -0400